Would You Like To Buy Some of Our Delicious Rainbow Treats?
by born-of-fire12222
Summary: Steve isn't hungry. One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I OWN PSYCHONAUTS. I DO. I OWN IT. (Sarcasm in case you're very gullible. If you are I've got this magic fish on sale for a bargain price of £40895743483!)**

It was a rather nice day. The sun was flirting with the idea of shining and drifted in and out of the clouds like a socially awkward wall flower at school disco. Steve, however, didn't care, as he was paying no attention whatsoever to it. Like the socially awkward wall flower at the school discos he'd attended. He had his headphones in and was examining the cracks on the pavement on the way home from work. He enjoyed the twenty minute walk home every week day. He felt it gave him some exercise before he holed himself up in his room to play on his computer until he had only a vague recollection of natural light.  
"Excuse me, sir?" Chirped someone.  
Steve looked up, (taking out his headphones,) and saw a little girl on rollerskates. Her hair looked a bit like she'd electrocuted a maroon-coloured poodle and stuffed it under a stripy helmet before sticking it on her bonce and carrying on her merry way. She also wore an obnoxious yellow and green striped dress. He noticed the sash and the treat box. It was a rainbow squirt.  
"Would you like to buy some of my delicious rainbow treats?" She asked, in a cheery tone that went with the vacant look in her eyes like a match does with a puddle.  
Steve paused. He didn't particularly want one.  
"Sorry, I'm not hungry right now."  
"Pardon, mister?" The little girl tilted her head quizzically and put a finger to her cheek, "I thought everybody wanted our rainbow treats."  
"No, thank you," Steve said, politely.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes, thank you."  
He was about to go home and go on a long romantic walk to his Steam account when several other rainbow squirts started appearing from alley ways, from behind houses and cars, out of bushes, Steve was even sure he saw one parachute down from the top of a building.  
"Are you... Suuuuuure?" The little girl tilted her head in the other direction far enough that Steve was sure her head would snap off. Luckily, it didn't.  
"Uh- uhm..." Steve ummed.  
He wondered where they were all coming from, how many poodles had been electrocuted to achieve so many identical hairstyles, and why they were all selling cookies on this one block. Mostly the latter and most former.  
"Have some of our delicious rainbow treats!"  
"You know you want some!"  
"Please, mister?"  
"Would you like some?"  
"No!" Steve eventually yelled.  
The girls all stopped at once. The one who had been talking to him initially gave him a cold, hard stare. Then they all spoke at once in a terrible robotic monotone.  
"Buy our delicious rainbow treats. Our treats are delicious."  
The girl in front of him grabbed his wrist with too much strength for a small child and still refused to break eye contact as they repeated the above statement like some kind of demonic chant. He understood that marketing had always been demonic, but he would not be subject to the system any longer!  
"I'm not buying anything," Steve said, walking away coolly.  
The girl wouldn't let go, but she was wearing roller skates so the walk home, for her, was probably like a ride on a very aloof jet ski.  
"Buy them."  
"No."  
"Buy them."  
"No."  
"Buy them."  
"I said. No."  
"You must buy them. You must buy. Or the sea will run white with his rage."  
"What?"  
"Buy them."  
"No!"  
Steve opened his front door and tried to shut it once on the other side, but couldn't because there was a small child in the way.  
"Get off me or I'll call the cops."  
The girl reached into her treat box and produced a small cake that made a beeping noise and had a blinking red light on the top. Steve had never seen a cake like that before.  
"I must promote niceness. I must make the world prettier. I must share candy with everyone. _I must obfuscate the true nature of the milkman and protect the milkman at all costs!_"  
"Hang on, what is that?"  
"_The sea shall run white with his rage!_"  
"Is this some kind of joke?"  
"_No one shall escape D-Day!_"  
"D-Day?"  
"_Dairy! Day! No one shall escape! No one shall escape!_"  
Steve was starting to get rather uncomfortable.  
"Please leave."  
"_BUY MY DELICIOUS RAINBOW TREATS, SIR!_"  
"OK! Fine! I'll take one!"  
She suddenly let go of his wrist and smiled cheerfully.  
"That'll be sixty cents, mister!"  
Steve forked the loose change out of his pockets. The girl threw away the flashing cake and gave him a small cookie with rainbow coloured icing. He gave her the money.  
"Bye-bye, mister!" She said, skating away.  
Shortly afterwards, Steve heard a bang a few feet away and wondered if dear Mrs Parker's car insurance covered exploding cake.

**Ahh, the things I write at 2 in the morning :D If perchance you did enjoy it, please read, rate and review (because three is a magic number.) Flames will be used to burn squirrels.**


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